Tom Hanks steals an iPad
His subtle shifty eyes are the best part.
(I work as a food runner for a hospital. My job requires me to wear a tuxedo. One day after work, I stop by a nearby dollar store to get a soda. I’m sitting on the bench outside the store drinking my soda when a fancy car pulls up right in front of me. A man gets out and walks around the car.)
(I look up at him and see he’s looking right at me, but I don’t do anything.)
Man: *louder* “Ahem!”
Man: “You incompetent moron! Do you need to be told how to do your job?”
Me: “What are you talking about?”
Man: “That’s it, you’ve just lost your tip. Now get over here and park my car.”
(I realized he must think I’m a valet because I’m still wearing my tux.)
Me: “I don’t work here, dude. Leave me alone.”
Man: “You will address me as ‘sir’, and you will do your job right now, or I will go into that store, find your manager and have you fired for your unprofessional behavior. Look at you, drinking cola while you’re on the job! It’s because of people like you that our economy is collapsing!”
Me: “Listen, a**hole, I already told you I don’t work here. Leave me alone and park your own d*** car.”
Man: “That does it, I’m going to find your manager! You’ll be standing in line at the soup kitchen this time next week!”
(He locks his car door and storms into the store. About five minutes later, he returns with the store manager, pointing furiously at me.)
Man: “There, you see? That’s the valet who refused to park my car and insulted me! I demand that you fire him immediately!”
(The manager looks at him like he’s insane.)
Manager: “Sir, we don’t have valets. He doesn’t work here.”
Man: “I don’t want to hear your excuses! You will fire that man immediately!”
Manager: “I told you already, that guy doesn’t work for us. This is [name of store].”
Man: “Have you all lost your minds? You think that because Obama’s in the White House that you can get away with not showing me the respect I deserve? You think Obama will save you after people like you destroy this country?”
(The man rants about President Obama and the “destruction of American values” for a good two minutes. The manager is too stunned to say anything. Finally the man gets back in his car and drives away. The manager looks at me and I just shrug.)
I think somewhere in there they forgot to realize that that man thought there was a valet for parking at a dollar store!
(I am shelving DVDs in a library when a man comes in with a boy who appears to be autistic. The boy sees a movie about Thanksgiving.)
Boy: “Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving! I’m thankful… I’m thankful for… I’m thankful for my friends at school!”
Caretaker: “You’re thankful for your friends at school?”
Boy: “Yeah! Yeah and… and… what are you thankful for? Are you thankful for your friends?”
Caretaker: *no response*
Boy: “Are you thankful for me?”
Caretaker: “I’m thankful for you, kid. I’m more thankful for you than all my friends in the world.”
I don’t normally go in for webcomic merchandise but…
That dumb moronic stare in its glassy dead eyes…
I simply cannot say no to that face.
No. I tried. It can’t be done.
(I’m in the printmaking studio with friends, and it’s near the end of the semester. Most of our projects are finished, so we’re helping the professor to clean the studio and preparing for the break.)
Student #1: “Are you almost done cleaning the etching press?”
Student #2: “Yeah, why?”
Student #1: “Well, it just occurred to me that you’re shorter than the hand wheel on that press.”
Student #2: “Yeah, and?”
Me: “I think I like where this is going.”
Professor: “I KNOW I like where this is going.”
Student #1: “Do you get motion sick easily?”
Student #2: “Not really, what are you planning?”
Professor: “I think [Student #1] is proposing that we tie you to the wheel and give you a spin.”
Student #2: “H*** yes! Let’s do it!”
(We tie [Student #2] to the wheel using cleaning rags on her ankles, while she holds on to the other side with her hands. [Student #1] and another friend then spin the wheel around while the professor and I fling wet cleaning sponges at her from across the room. We have no idea, but a tour group of prospective students are on their way up, led by the department chair.)
Student #2: “Oh God! I think I might puke. FASTER!”
Professor: “You heard her, boys! Get that press spinning!”
Department Chair: “…we have the printmaking studio! This is the largest studio space in the building and includes two etching presses, two lithography presses, and…”
(The tour group comes in to see us slapping our friend with the sponges while she hangs up-side-down laughing. The tour looks horrified, but the head of the department doesn’t miss a beat.)
Department Chair: “…and various medieval torture devices. And to continue our tour, we’ll now move on to the true horror of the fine-arts building, the sculpture studio. Wait until you see what they do in there…”
In The Stan Lee Parable you play as Stan Lee, and you don’t play as Stan Lee. You play as Jack Kirby in a game about the illusion of
choicechange, while Stan Lee narrates as if you’re playing as himself.
Okay, I realize probably only five people are going to get the joke, but I did it anyways.
I literally put this into google to see if the joke has been made on the internet yet. Thank you.
A professional athlete with illegitimate kids???????